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Honestly I’m discouraged

June 16, 2015

I don’t know if I have ever written a blog post when I am discouraged. You don’t feel you have anything to offer, so why would you try to share something with others, especially in written form when your mind and your heart are not “sharp.” Nonetheless – and this post may confirm the wisdom of not blogging when discouraged – here is what I have to share today.

I have had a rough two weeks, beginning when doctors at the Adult Congenital Heart Clinic put me on an additional medication for my cardio-vascular disease. I reacted to the medication very strongly. After starting the medication Thursday night, I was emailing them at 3:45 am on Tuesday morning (literally) saying, “I have all the side-effects mentioned and have not slept for two nights. Please help! I need to stop this medication before it kills me!” They did and by Friday the medication seemed to have left my system and I was not in agony.

We had a family outing to the Morrin Bridge (Red Deer River) on Sunday afternoon that I was able to join Sarah and the kiddos for, and actually felt well during and afterwards. I went to work each morning from 9 am to noon last week and that went fine, though each afternoon was followed by a good healthy nap and little activity in the evening, other than settling the kids into bed and maybe watching one tv show or hockey game. Although I was able to participate in our ACTION Canada board meeting all day Saturday in Calgary, the last few days have continued with me having little energy and needing to sleep in the afternoon or at least feel tired enough to do so. After working in the morning yesterday, my boss asked me to return to the office and do one quick task. I gladly agreed and did some banking, picked up the mail, and a jug of milk at the local IGA on the way home. I arrived home “exhausted” from that “extra.” The realization those small errands were “extra” is even more discouraging.

What if this really is how God asks me to live my life for the next 10, 20, 30 years? Small bursts of energy to work three hours in the morning and then rest in the afternoon. I am horrified at the prospect. Frustrated. Annoyed. Scared. Angry. Confused. So many why’s? Yet I learned (mentally) long ago that you can ask God why, but you should not demand an answer. He is big enough to handle our whys, and graciously shows us some answers some of the time.

While I know one can always grow deeper in their relationship with God, I don’t need to grow this deep, this much, or this way. I’ve actually done a lot of growing deep in 43 years by walking by faith and handling health challenges. I think I would like to grow a different way, thank you very much! Needless to say, my negotiating is not going well and I recognize its futility. Even while I listen to some favorites like Matt Redman’s Blessed Be Your Name or Bless the Lord O My Soul (10,000 Reasons), Avalon’s Can’t Live a Day, or Andrae Crouch’s My Tribute (How Can I Say Thanks), I shed tears and realize God has brought me this far, He knows the Way that is best, and I will only be able to walk it by trusting Him… even in my discouragement.

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